


cardboard robot

by The_Eclectic_Bookworm



Series: lucky you’re the one i love [4]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Gen, idiot children: halloween edition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 07:21:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16471235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Eclectic_Bookworm/pseuds/The_Eclectic_Bookworm
Summary: Xander and Jenny were dividing up the candy by the time Buffy and Willow arrived at their table, aided by someone with an upside down jack o’ lantern on his head and pumpkin goop dripping down his shoulders. “Hey, this is our—” Buffy began in the guy’s direction, then stopped. “Ripper?”





	cardboard robot

**Author's Note:**

> happy halloween!! what better way to celebrate it than in the ripper au?
> 
> for jack, who is unequivocally The Best.

Xander was Ripper for Halloween. He had gotten Ripper’s permission beforehand, which was pretty nice of him, considering that he could have just snagged one of Ripper’s leather jackets while Ripper wasn’t looking. The guy had a _thousand leather jackets,_ according to Xander. But then Xander and Ripper were always making merciless, good-natured fun of each other, and it had gotten  _worse_ now that Xander was sleeping on Ripper’s couch, so it was hard to tell whether or not Xander was ever serious.

“You’ve got the strut down,” said Buffy when she saw him, trying not to laugh. “I don’t know about the hair, though.”

“The dude owns a ridiculous amount of hair care products,” said Xander. “I just used his shampoo for that _glossy shine.”_

“Also, you tried to paint your hair brown,” Willow observed. “With brown paint. Xander, you do know that they make dyes for that, don’t you?”

“Too much commitment,” said Xander, then took a look at the both of them. “Wait, Buffy, you’re…Supergirl, but in pink?”

Buffy huffed. _“Powergirl!”_

Xander frowned a little. “I don’t remember _that_ one—”

“It’s this superhero my cousin and I made up when we were little,” Buffy explained, striking a dramatic pose. Willow, giggling, snapped a photo. “And I’m _rocking_ the tights-and-cape look, in my humble opinion.”

“Seconded,” said Willow immediately, then blushed, adjusting her Hogwarts robes. “Are we going in?”

“Hold up, Jenny just texted me,” said Buffy, checking her phone. “She and Ripper are like two minutes away, you wanna wait?”

“And miss out on potential candy?” said Xander, sounding personally affronted by the concept. “Listen, I’ll just go in and make sure that we, uh, have our usual table. Yeah.” He headed towards the Bronze, eyes on the large sign reading _Free Candy With Every Drink!_

“Some things never change,” said Willow affectionately. “Did you know that when he was in third grade, he climbed halfway up the drainpipe on a dare _just_ because candy was at stake?”

“Sounds like Xander,” said Buffy. “Did he get in trouble?”

“Oh, a _bunch,_ ” said Willow, giggling. “But he also got the candy.”

“Hey, supergirls!” A cardboard robot rounded the corner, its head on backwards. It was pulled to a stop by Ripper, who put its head affectionately to rights in a way that made it _very_ clear exactly who was under that box. “God, _stop,_ it’s a fashion statement,” huffed the robot. “You know, how even technology is flawed if you assume that you understand every part of it?”

“Fashion statement or no, you’re gonna walk into something and get concussed,” said Ripper. “ _Again._ ”

“Where’s your costume?” Willow asked Ripper, all but wounded. “Didn’t you say—”

“I’ve got one!” said Ripper, looking genuinely surprised. “You know how Xander’s me? Well, I’m Xander.”

“Xander has never once in his life worn a leather jacket,” said the robot.

“Wearing one right now, isn’t he?”

“Because he’s dressed like _you.”_

Ripper opened his mouth, considered this, then said, “Least I didn’t spend fifteen minutes upstairs fussing with my makeup even though _literally no one can see it.”_

“Like you don’t fuss with your makeup right before we head out for patrol,” Jenny scoffed, pulling off her robot head to glower at Ripper. Her makeup, silvery and metallic, was hopelessly smudged from being inside the box, but Ripper’s face went all soft anyway. “ _What?_ ”

“Nothing, whatever, shut up,” Ripper blustered, running a hand through his hair and hurrying ahead.

Jenny watched him go, eyebrows raised, a silvery grin beginning.

“So if you two are done with the whole will-they-won’t-they thing,” said Buffy, “can we please go inside and get candy?”

“I’m not dating Ripper!” Jenny objected. “He’s an idiot. He’s a _British_ idiot.”

“Oh, really?”

“Really!”

“You looked pretty happy to see him checking you out,” said Willow innocently.

“Was he checking me out?” said Jenny hopefully, winced, then hurried ahead so fast that she nearly tripped over her cardboard-box feet. Buffy high-fived Willow before they followed Jenny inside.

It was Buffy’s first Halloween in Sunnydale, and as such, the way the Bronze had been decorated was completely and totally new to her. There were _huge_ jack o’ lanterns lining the entryway, a bunch of spooky plastic skeletons attached to the walls by the dance floor, and lots and lots of spidery cobwebs, as well as a big bowl of the promised free candy resting on the Bronze counter. Jenny had already made a beeline for the candy, using her robot head to hold a frankly unfair amount, and called over her shoulder, “C’mon, we can share it over at our table!”

“Hold on,” Buffy called back. She kinda loved this. There was a cheesy, fake, utterly unthreatening vibe to the whole place. She’d been half-afraid that Halloween would be ruined for her after spending so much time around creatures of the knight, but this felt like a knockoff version of the real thing—in the _fun_ way. The way that made you want to giggle about how dumb it was and stick around for the full experience.

Willow was smiling a little too. “Weird as it is,” she said, “this feels kinda normal. You know?”

“I know,” Buffy agreed.

Xander and Jenny were dividing up the candy by the time Buffy and Willow arrived at their table, aided by someone with an upside down jack o’ lantern on his head and pumpkin goop dripping down his shoulders. “Hey, this is our—” Buffy began in the guy’s direction, then stopped. “Ripper?”

“Found my costume,” said Ripper, his voice slightly muffled. “It’s to instill fear in my enemies and admiration in my—”

“He can’t get it off,” said Jenny without looking up from the candy.

“Can so!”

“Xander said ‘hey, Ripper, bet you can’t put your head in that,’ and then he did, and now he can’t get it off,” said Jenny.

“It’s a—a bloody statement, isn’t it?” said Ripper. “Like your whole robot thing. It’s a metaphor for the blinders of the, uh, patriarchy, and, uh, how we as men are, are blinded—”

“Said  _blinded_ twice there,” said Buffy helpfully.

“God, you’re all the worst,” said Ripper, tried to lean back, and nearly fell off his stool. He probably would have toppled to the floor if Buffy hadn’t managed to catch him. “Thanks, Buff,” he added as she helped him back into his seat.”

“No problem, Jack Pumpkinhead,” said Buffy sweetly.

“See?” Ripper pointed at Buffy. “Costume.”

“She’s calling you that because you look ridiculous,” said Jenny.

“Like you’re even looking.”

Jenny looked up and _her_ eyes went all soft. She even went a little pink under her makeup. It was a struggle for Buffy not to roll her eyes; you’d think older kids would be better at figuring out love stuff, but apparently not. “You look so fucking dumb,” Jenny said. “Seriously, Ripper.”

“You like it,” said Ripper, struck a pose, and really did fall off his stool this time. Jenny shrieked, flinging herself off her own stool and landing directly on top of him. “ _Ow!_ What the _fuck,_ Janna!”

“I’m checking on you! Are you okay?”

“ _Well, now I’m not!”_

“You fell off your seat!”

“The pumpkin protected his head,” said Xander wisely, received a furious look from Jenny, and started giggling.

* * *

 

Angel showed up halfway through the night. “So what’re you dressed as, a vampire?” said Ripper from inside the pumpkin, and then he and Xander both started laughing hysterically even though it wasn’t all that original. Jenny was still too busy making goo-goo eyes at Ripper’s pumpkin head to notice Angel, or she’d probably have laughed too.

“I think Jenny goes for the kinds of people who get pumpkins stuck on their head,” said Willow thoughtfully. “Maybe _that’s_ why I never had a chance.”

“Terrible taste,” said Angel, who still looked a little annoyed about the whole _vampire_ thing. His face softened when he saw Buffy. “You look nice.”

“Thanks,” said Buffy, and high-fived him. He looked a little confused, which was always funny. “Anything creepy on the horizon?”

“Actually, no,” said Angel, and his mouth sort of turned upwards a little, which Buffy _guessed_ could count towards a smile. “Just came by to see how the party was going.”

“We party _hard,_ ” said Ripper, who appeared to be trying to chug orange soda through the eyehole of the jack o’ lantern.

Angel took a long look at Ripper, then said, “They couldn’t have sent you another Watcher?”

“They didn’t really _send_ him, he just sort of showed up,” said Willow helpfully.

“I’m glad he did,” said Buffy, giving Ripper a fond little grin just as he spilled the soda into the jack o’ lantern and down his shirt. “He’s really nice.”

“If dumb,” said Jenny, handing Ripper some napkins.

“You  _love_ it,” said Ripper, only it came out a little choked up because he was still coughing up soda.

* * *

 

Xander revealed that he was wearing the heelies about fifteen minutes later, and by accident; he was getting up to get more candy when he heelied backwards into Cordelia and knocked her sprawling. “Whoops!” he said, springing up with a sheepish grin. “Thought I put on the normal ones today.”

“You never put on the normal ones,” Willow reminded him, biting back a visible giggle.

“Something is _wrong with you,_ ” said Cordelia from the floor. _“All of you._ That freak with his head in the pumpkin, Robot Geek Girl, Little Miss Hermione, creepy new girl, and  _Xander!”_

“She talking about me?” said Ripper without much interest.

“Cordelia, you know _Little Miss Hermione_ is kind of a compliment, right?” said Willow, frowning.

“Robot Geek Girl,” said an unbothered Jenny in a robot voice. “Programmed to destroy all the preps and goths and jocks.”

“And this dress is _ruined,_ ” Cordelia finished dramatically, even though her dress was a little dusty at worst. Pulling herself up, she flounced off towards her group of friends, already beginning to shout to the room at large about how terrible Xander Harris was.

“Five bucks says next year she hate snogs him in that storage closet you were telling me about,” said Ripper to Jenny, who hit his shoulder. He winced a little, rubbing it, and then a familiar chord rang out. “Shit, is that—”

“And now, _Wretched!”_ boomed the announcer.

“Oh fuck the bands changed while I wasn’t paying attention they _need_ me up there fuck fuck fuck,” hissed Ripper, tripping over himself to hurry towards the stage.

“He still has a pumpkin on his head,” Buffy observed.

“Should we tell him?” Willow asked.

“Nah. It’ll ruin the Halloween vibe.”

They both snuck a look at Jenny, but Jenny was already Snapchatting the whole thing and captioning it _dumb boy plays guitar with pumpkin on head._ So she probably wasn’t going to have any problems with it.

“All right, happy Halloween, fuckers!” Ripper shouted to the crowd. “Yeah, that’s right, I got a pumpkin on my head, ‘cause it’s FUCKING HALLOWEEN!”

“I like him so much,” said Jenny breathlessly.

“Who, Dumb Boy Playing Guitar?” said Buffy, grinning a little.

“Yeah,” said Jenny, all starry-eyed.

“This first one’s a new one, and it’s called _Cardboard Robot,_ and I’m, like, kinda makin’ it up as I go along,” Ripper yelled. The band, who seemed to be used to Ripper just impulsively making up songs on the fly, prepared themselves to accompany him. “And it’s obviously for Jenny ‘cause she’s the best robot there is. _READY!”_

Buffy could not figure out how Ripper, soaked in orange soda, singing a very badly improvised song with a pumpkin on his head, had somehow managed to earn the wide-eyed adoration of Jenny, who was watching said terrible song with absolutely rapt attention. Halfway through, Ripper realized that he couldn’t find a word that rhymed with _robot,_ gave up, and just started singing one of the older songs about fistfights at parties. Jenny still looked all blushy, though.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, dance with me,” said Jenny as soon as Wretched was done playing and the next band had started up.

“Huh?” said Ripper, eyes wide.

“She said _dance with me,_ ” said Xander, mouth full of chocolate.

“Oh—okay,” said Ripper, and let Jenny lead him onto the dance floor. She settled into his arms, not seeming to mind that he was still pretty visibly sticky from the orange soda.

“Do you think that pumpkin on his head has _any_ chance of coming off?” Xander asked.

“Absolutely not,” said Buffy, and snapped a picture of Ripper and Jenny dancing. They’d probably want it a month or two down the line.


End file.
